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I am a male rape victim. You won’t tell me that I’m not. You can die uncountable amounts of times if you want to tell me that I can’t be raped because I’m a man. Men can be vulnerable and I am. I have ptsd and experience many horrible things as a result of my rape.

I have been told by people in straight up therapy community group chats before that I don’t matter because I’m a male rape victim and it doesn’t count. I believed that for a while. I was told that other people had it worse and that what was facing was less than a 10th of what female rape victims deal with. I was told that because I’m a man that sex doesn’t matter and that I should be proud.

You know what? This haunts me. I can’t get the feeling out of my mind. I can’t get the security my brain once had back. I cry every night that I’m not high. I can’t sleep until my eyes wont stay open anymore. There are nights when I cannot move and I forget where I am and what I’m doing, which is beyond terrifying and barely scratches the surface of indescribable. I’ve been destroyed and to be told that male rape victims don’t exist makes me want to kill myself.


So one of my best friends from grade 6 all throughout high school, we were a trio. She was the one that brought all of our personalities together. We’ll call her S for now.

She went missing in Sept 2018, and was found deceased Feb 2019. There is still an ongoing investigation and the other friend, SB and I have been trying to make things ok and keep her memory alive. But honestly, it hurts more than I’ll probably ever admit to anyone and I just... I just hope she’s resting easy.

I just don’t know how to cope or what to do.

Update: Just wanted to say thank you for the love, it has honestly made me feel so much better just getting it out there. I will try to answer each of you personally, just to say thank you and as requests from some people I will be writing more about her and what the circumstances were for all of this to happen and what I think now and what I am trying to do to get her the justice she deserves. So if you’re interested, check back. I hope to post it sometime today. It’s going to take a while to write and I want to be in the right headspace.

BACKGROUND STORY & INFO: This is going to be a very long text post, so buckle in if you’re interested. Maybe grab a snack, I’m not a professional writer and I’m not well versed in the reddit community so I’m not quite sure what the best way to write it is, basically it’s just going to be a monologue where I type my complete understanding of the story from my own point of view and my thoughts on what was going on. I can only speak for myself and little bit for the other friend in our group. I am close with both S’s father, and her aunt... and kind of her mother. I hope this answers everyone’s questions about the circumstances and if it doesn’t, I’ll be reading the replies and responding if you have anything to ask or input. Thanks, have a great day/night wherever you are!

On September 7th, 2018 I got a text from the other friend(SB) in our friend trio, saying “S is missing. No one has heard from her in 3 days.” Immediately I freaked out, as any normal person would when finding out no one has heard from someone important in your life and it’s worrisome. Now me and S haven’t been the closest of friends during the last 2 years, mainly because she was hanging out with people I didn’t want to be associated with - she was aware of this, and didn’t hold it against me personally, she understood however we remained in touch via social media and had made plans to hangout quite a few times and it just never happened. Life as adults, were busy right? No one ever thinks it’s going to be the last time.

Around this same time, my father had just started a Not For Profit organization to help Missing Canadians, inspired by the disappearance of a family friend that happened in BC, 3 years ago. My father has also had a stroke, and felt like he was given the chance to do something better in his life, with that and the pain he felt over the loss of his friend, his organization was born. Maybe it was fate? I immediately told my family as I was freaking out, and got her name picture last seen location, EVERY detail I could put out there. Her mom was talking to my father, we were getting posters printed to put around town, we were planning to search and trying to stay calm. Within 24 hours, the website page alone had over 10,000 shares. Never mind what we were posting on all social media, her face was out there and we were looking!

The last known details of her whereabouts included leaving our other friend SB’s house, and going to wherever she was off to. Now this is the part where people start to speculate, S had a bit of a small criminal record and had been involved with some shady people and gotten into some drug abuse. We believe when she left, she was going to hangout with some of her drug friends, she went to a city about 20 minutes away according to the last person to ever see her (that we are aware of). They checked with that guy, when S left, he had no idea where she was going or anything. He knew nothing more than any of us did, we were at a standstill just feeling lost and hopeless.

About 3 weeks into S’s disappearance, the mother freaked out and didn’t want to plan searches, totally went off her rocker in my opinion and called everything to a halt other than sharing that she was missing. It was weird and never sat right with me. As I continue to explain, you’ll see she was very protective over information about the investigation as well as any rumours she heard etc.


Kyoto Animation was attacked today, 33 people died. They don’t know the motive yet but it’s said that he screamed “you copied” or “you ripped me off” before he set the place on fire.

Bianca Devins has her throat slit and the image of her corpse spread online, people were making memes out of it for fuck’s sake.

My home country is plagued by bomb attacks, terrorist cells, truck attacks, and more. My cousin and her family were nearly killed in the Barcelona truck attack a few years ago.

In the country I’m living in now, so many school shootings to the point they’re a footnote on the news. Few years ago they would be on the front page for weeks but now it’s just a sliding bar at the bottom. It’s normal to have a shoot up threat or a bomb threat, I sat through 8 in one year. It’s become a meme and what this country is known for. That and the concentration camps at the border.

I’m so tired of it all. I’m so lost and sad and I’m not sure I want to be here. I’m an artist myself and the community is so toxic and people are so horrible to each other that I don’t even post my works much anymore. I keep all my own characters and things that make me happy to myself. Every now and again I get flooded with hateful messages, telling me to die or that I’m racist because I didn’t draw Nessa or some other stupid shit. Getting called all sorts of horrible things just because I’m not drawing what other people want to see. Being told to kill myself because of my race, because apparently all white people are horrible racist pricks when I’ve just not done anything.

I can feel myself losing hope and I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of humans being so horrible to each other. On here, in real life, everywhere. Everyone’s so horrible. So fucking awful. I don’t know if I want to die or if I want to live completely isolated from everything and everyone.


I had been up for 4 days, not eating and i went to work because I work part-time and was at work and from what i was told my body temperature spiked so fast I went unconscious and as soon as i fell 911 was called.

I'm on the fence with what happened. I wish I would have died. And Im okay that I'm alive.


I work in a very fancy part of town. The part where all the rich snobby folk are. I am by no means one of them, I'm down to earth and generally always nice to everyone. The office building I work in is VERY NICE. But with it's niceness comes very very shitty women... They always look down at me, they never greet back when I greet, I get the stink eye when I smile , they make rude remarks and in general they aren't very nice people. They walk around with their iPhones and designer clothes and bags and act like they are God's gift to everyone.


With all their snobbiness, they are ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING in the bathroom. Jesus Fucking Christ.... There's ALWAYS piss on ALL the seats, 90% of the time it's not flushed (and most of the time there is shit in the loo). One day I went in and there was piss on the fucking floor and shit marks on the toilet seat. It smells HORRID in there too. I once brought this up to a colleague who didn't believe me, the next time I went in there I took photos of the horrors in there. After showing said colleague he was like "WTF... the men's loo NEVER looks like this". What the hell man. And there are cleaning ladies in there twice, maybe 3 times a day.

FFS ladies, if you wanna pretend that you're better than me then at least revisit your potty training and learn how to be respectful to the next person who uses the loo.


That is all.


My former stepfather, let's call him David, is basically braindead in the hospital right now. My half brother and sister are deciding what to do with him in two days (pull the plug and see what happens or perform a tracheostomy). He had a stroke from low sodium/ alcohol withdrawals while walking up his driveway with a fast food bag and fell and hit his head causing massive bleeding in his brain. The guy has been a cockroach all his life, missing death in the most impossible situations and then he fucking falls in his driveway and this is how he goes out?

I have not spoke to or seen David for around 7 years. He was a horribly abusive alcoholic bully for his entire life and loved to play the victim. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him and I know the only person it's really hurting is me. I need to forgive him. I want to be able to forgive him but I'm not quite there yet.

I wrote a list of specific reasons why I am angry with him and at the end I noted that I hope to forgive him. I'm in therapy and all my life I've just ghosted people that have hurt me deeply without really telling them what they have done and this has caused a lot of anger and depression. I'm exploring the idea of reading that list/ letter to him at the hospital while he is unconscious but I'm scared to see him. I don't know what to do. I basically have 15 hours to decide if I read it to his face or his grave.

1 comment

I'm an Asian woman who exclusively dates white men, but I've had some Asian "friends" call me racist, say that I'm a white worshipper, have internalized racism, that I have Stockholm syndrome (not even sure what the last one is referring too).

I've been just brushing off their comments, but I'm just curious as to why people say things like this? Like it's pretty hurtful to say these things about me. I mean, it's just my preference, right? I don't think it's racism, I can't choose who I'm attracted too. And I just find white guys more attractive. White guys are just more romantic, better looking, taller, masculine, less misogynistic, better in bed, and yes, bigger down there (on offense, I'm sure there's some Asian guys who are big too).

But yeah, I've been getting hollered at by others for my personal preferences, and it just bothers me. It's no ones business who I date.

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